65 Ludicrously Inappropriate Greeting Cards for Every Occasion

We've curated 64 of the best inappropriate greeting cards for any occasion from the bowels of the interwebs.

These are all handpicked from leading independent card brands. Every card on this list will elicit a hearty laugh (and *maybe* a cringe) from anyone with a great sense of humor.

Since you're searching for inappropriate greeting cards, we're going to assume this is exactly what you're looking for. If you get offended, then you probably weren't looking for truly inappropriate cards to begin with 😉

Table of contents (click to jump):

17 Hysterically Inappropriate Greeting Cards

We've got 17 of the funniest inappropriate greeting cards for whatever occasion that might sneak up on you. From get-well cards, to wedding and retirement cards: we've got you covered.

"Some people overcome illness and injury with incredible grace..."

Please Feel Better Soon - A get-well card for those feeling under the weather. Everyone gets sick once in a while, others a bit more... dramatically than others. Inside is the punchline, "You're not one of them, please feel better soon."


Colorful Congrats - Written inside is, "You did a thing!" A congratulatory card for anyone who "does a thing" (whether or not you truly care about it).

"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

Thoughts and Prayers - A perfect card for the newlyweds. Congratulate them for getting hitched. Warn them of all the things that lay ahead. "Till death do you part," is written on the inside with remnants of a devoured groom.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

That Stuff available at Restrained Grace - It’s not good to spread the virus, so spread tooshie cheeks instead.

Happy Birthday Wh*re available at Champion - Whether or not they’re a fan of the Real Housewives series, this oddly specific card has the potential to make a friend or loved one’s day.

Higher and Lower available at Social Design Club - Ah, the beauty of aging. This is what we refer to as a “negative correlation”.

Birthday Spanking available at Bang-Up Betty - Pretty much a perfect card for any man or woman in your life. Probably best to keep it away from the children, though…

Birthday Again available at Learke - Just kidding — we know their cat doesn’t care

The Greatest Gift of All from Alair Seattle - Can't think of an anniversary gift for your man? Use the kids! Carrying his children is the greatest gift, after all.

Festive Season available at Eight3five - Nope! It's not your regular “Happy Holidays” card. It has a little bit of, um... spice to it.

Ain’t So Bad available at Treehaus LA - Friendship is magical. Every crappy situation gets better with friends around. Send this appreciation card to that friend who turns your frown upside down!

"I can't wait to poop in your new toilet."

Can't Wait To Poop - A matte-finished happy housewarming card. Be the first to break their toilet in. It's not something you get to do every day.

"Welcome to your new sh*tty roomate."

Can We Keep It? - Congratulate them for their newborn with this brutally honest greeting card.

They say that having a child is like using a blender without the lid. Everything is just all over the place.

I’m Sorry You Graduated High School - Celebrate the high school grad in your life. This card summarizes all the great things they're about to experience.

Oh, the joy!

"Happy retirement! Enjoy bingo and the smell of piss."

Smell Of Piss - Such a merry time in your life when you don't have to worry about work. You can sit back, relax, enjoy playing games and watch your health degrade slowly. 

These are the golden years, kid!

"I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong."

Sorry We Fought - Don't you just hate it when you have to apologize even though you know you're perfect and always right? Sometimes we have to be the bigger person.

"Do the damn thing."

Do the Damn Thing - Some people just keep putting things off. Here's a motivational card that should remind them to just do it. We're confident it'll work.

6 Inappropriate Thank You Cards

We're borderline obliged to say"thank you" to anyone who lends us a hand, but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun with it.

Here are 6 thank you cards to inappropriately say "thank you".


The S#!t - It says, "Thanks for being the sh*t" inside. Everyone knows that being "the sh*t" means your awesomeness is indisputable. 

...if it weren't for the profanity, this card would be in the sweet section.

"Thank you for being the sh*t!"

A Crappy Card - If being "the sh*t" means being exceptional, then giving a sh*t means giving caring attention. "I appreciate you more than words (or red pandas handing each other poop) can say."

"You did something beneficial to me, so I bought you this card. We're even now."

We're Even Now - You should always pay it forward. This way we can all make the world a better place. Fair trade!

"Thank you"

Bad Words - Written inside is, "I appreciate you as much as I appreciate bad words (that's a lot)." A wonderful greeting card to give to someone who puts up with your sh*t.

"Even b*tches say thank you."

Even B*tches Say Thank You - Everyone is nice in their own way. Everyone appreciates someone else. If you do nice things to the wicked, even they may appreciate it.

"F*ck you*

The Original Anonymous F**K YOU Card - We saved the best for last. If you want to go the extra mile and show appreciation, look no further. Behold the most inappropriate card of them all.

While it can mean the exact opposite of thank you, it's a very expressive word that has a variety of meanings. 

We can even send this anonymously for you, so they'll never know who sent it to them 😉 Mwahahaha

16 Uplifting Inappropriate Sympathy Cards

Life occasionally craps on people you care about. Sometimes all they need is to know that someone cares. Here are 16 uplifting inappropriate sympathy cards that will bring a smile to their face (well... at least as inappropriate as a sympathy card can get without crossing some pretty delicate lines).

"Sorry life's sh*t sometimes."

Words of Comfort - When life feels unbearable, sometimes all we need is a little assurance that somebody is there for us. Inside are the comforting words, "When life feels unfair, remember that I'm always here for you."

Your Sunshine available at Presents of Mind - When your friend is sad or feeling guilty, but they probably shouldn’t be, here’s a great option to get them back on the right track.

Life Is Such A D*ck available at Centro Garden - It’s even more confusing when you’re a young teenager.

Was I referring to life, or unexpected erections? The world may never know.

Gets Hard For No Reason available at In Pursuit Mobile Boutique - For those of you who prefer a minimalist letterpress version of the card above, we’ve got you covered.

Was I referring to the card, or concealing an unexpected erection? Gotta keep ‘em guessing.

Poop Sandwich available at The Regal Find - When life hands you poop… try not to eat it.

Proud of You available at Market Between the Mountains - Want to drop an f-bomb on your birthday card, but balance it out a little bit? Well do we have the card for you!

Inspirational Card available at Culture Flock - Universally perfect for every pessimist in your life :)

Here For You available at Spree Style - Let them know that, no matter what, you’re here if they need you.

"I'm sorry this f***ing sucks. I promise not to use the words blessing or disguise."

Blessing or Disguise - Some people like to say that hard times are just blessings in disguise. Saying those words to someone in an unpleasant situation just might piss them off.

This card may conjure up a smile instead.

Here With You available at Crying Out Loud - Sometimes, we just have to remind our loved one that it's okay not to be okay, and that we wish we could take away their pain.

Let Me Punch available at Good For Her Soul - “Everything happens for a reason” might not be the best thing to say to someone who’s recently experienced a deep loss or other difficulty.

Instead, you can give them this card to let them know you’re ready to kick the a** of anyone who offers their condolences using this line.

"What doesn't kill us makes our drink stronger."

What Doesn’t Kill Us - The harder the times, the stiffer the drink. Give some encouragement that the tough times will pass. Sometimes with a little help from friends and drinks.

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. Stupid shit happens. Erma Bombeck."

Bombeck - There's a saying that laughter is the best medicine. This quote by the great American humorist, Erma Bombeck, is the perfect encouragement. If a problem doesn't have a solution, then it's not a problem.


F**k Everything - Sometimes you just need to stop giving a damn about everything. This sympathy card is great for reminding them to take a time off and stop caring for a while. We all need a break sometimes.

You can circle your word of choice for full effect.

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

If You Want the Rainbow - Send some love with this card that features inspiring words from Ms. Dolly Parton. There's always a rainbow after the rain.

25 Rowdy and Inappropriate Valentine's Day Cards

Want to add some spice to your love life? Start with these 24 rowdy and inappropriate Valentine's Day cards to set the mood.

The best picks for a lover who appreciates freaky humor 😏

"I don't clean but if I did..."

Leather & Lace Inside is a picture of hanging leather and lace bedroom wear, along with the words "I'd leave your dirty mind unwashed." A perfect pick for that playful lover of yours.

Thinking About You available at Common Space - Sometimes honesty is the best policy!

(Note to Louis C.K. Not yet, man. It’s definitely still too soon.)

Doing a Great Job available at Homme Femme - For when their spirits are low but they’ve got plenty worth celebrating.

If you want to try to call their attention to everything they have to be grateful for (caution: you have to be a REALLY good friend or loved one for this to be received well), this just might be the perfect card.

You Is Fine available at Songbird Goods - Sometimes you just gotta let ‘em know.

You & Me Venn Diagram available at Stroked Ego - Hey, when you find a winning combination you’ve gotta celebrate it.

Doing The DIshes available at Jewelz by Angie - Or, in this instance: both, simultaneously.

Feelings In My Parts available at Ugly Alligator - It should probably make “please don’t make this any weirder,” but it’ll do the job either way.

Banging available at Flock - Sometimes cards us help us say the things we want to say, but can’t. Well now you can.

Favorite Thing To Do available at Luna - Bow chicka bow-wow.

Send Nudes available at White Balcony - Just make sure you’re properly groomed like this, um… “cat”!

You Look Tasty available at FR and Company - Mr. T-rex Valentine could just eat. you. up.

All Yours available at Lone Chimney Mercantile - For those of you who like to drop sexy little hints ;)

Lit available at curious… - Y’know… sometimes complements are just a bit different than we’re used to!

My Valentine available at Retro Festive - Sweet or scary? You be the judge.

At least you warned them beforehand.

Love & Pain available at Bubble Lounge - Do you ever just look at your significant other and ask yourself, “How did I fall in love with this weirdo?”

Don’t worry, that’s totally normal! You can love someone and be annoyed by them at the same time.

Somewhere To Sit available at Get Bullish - It may be a stretch, but faces could seriously pass for alternative chairs. Bonus if it's on Valentine's day!

I Love Your Meat available at Kitsch & Color - The perfect card to let your partner know he’s your favorite cut of meat…

Despite all of the well-dones and medium-rares out there.

Plenty in The Sea available at Dream Weaver - If she's going through a tragic break-up, sending her this card tells her know you care. It’ is a reminder that she still has thousands of… options in different shapes and sizes.

Still Have Dirty Thoughts from Ruff House Paperie - If you’re in a long-term relationship, still in love (and impassioned), and have celebrated thousands of Valentine's Day together, this card would be perfect for your partner.

It's a great way to honor a flame that continues burning year after year

Vibrating Vibes from Shop Harrow - If your friend doesn't have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with, or a partner that's far away, this card would probably be the best thing to send. Let them know you're still rooting for their battery-operated V-Day vibes from afar.

Card Design by Your Gal Kiwi

IDC about Valentine’s Day from Periwink Ink - If you and your significant other consider Valentine's Day as another typical day, this card is perfect for your relationship! Besides, nothing tops cuddling on the couch and eating your favorite fast food with the love of your life.

"I want to f*** you raw."

It's Raw - A witty pun on his famous cooking show line. This Gordon Ramsay themed card gets straight to the point.

Bonus if she's a cooking show fan.

Mouth to Mouth from Plumfield Shop - There's no better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than to have a sweet smooch with your special someone. Can't say it directly? Give them this card and enjoy your Valentine's with passion.

"I hear you like it dirty."


I Hear You Like It Dirty - A clever one-line letterpress Valentine's day card.

We hope for your sake that it's true. *wink*

"I love you even when you're not drunk and naked."

Drunk - A charming way to say "I love you, no matter the situation," but being drunk and naked is better, of course.

"The honor of your presence is requested in my pants."

The Honor Of Your Presence - A polite invitation for your lover to the private party in your pants.

15 Hilariously Inappropriate Birthday Cards

Birthdays are always a good excuse for friends and family to gather, unwind, and celebrate. The best birthdays are the ones filled with jokes and laughter.

Here are 15 hilariously inappropriate birthday cards that are sure to brighten up the day.

"You drink like a fish, curse like a sailor, have questionable morals. F*ck yeah!

All I Ever Wanted Inside reads, "You're all I ever wanted in a friend. Happy birthday." We're products of the people we surround ourselves with. The fact that you're browsing this list makes us confident your friend has that same sense of humor.

"One year closer."

Party Pooper - Life is an uncertain journey. No one knows how long it'll be. As long as you cherish the good times and keep celebrating birthdays, you can rave till the grave.

Gluten-Free Cake available at Sense & Humor - They can’t help their gluten sensitivity, and you can’t help but notice the difference in flavor!

Coming Out available at We Are 1976 - Can’t you just hear the *pop* sound from opening a sealed jar when you look at this card? I mean, I’m sure this sounded SO much worse. But that wouldn’t make for a very good card.

Don’t Go Dying On Me available at My Favorite - For that friend who’s just a little bit dumber than you. Or possibly even dumberer.

Mirror Mirror Birthday Card available at Highland Shop - People who still look flawless despite their age are more the exception than the rule. If you know someone who’s aging wonderfully, it’s worth appreciating, especially on their birthday.

One Of The Few Things available at Pressed - Hey, if you’re someone who gives notoriously few s**ts — going out of your way to buy that special loved one a card says a lot.

Truth Be Told available at The Human Interaction - At least it rhymes? 😅

Another Year available at The Gifted Type - At least it fits well with the saggy pants trend?

Happy Birthday in Bodysuit from Common Deer - It’s not what you think! It’s just a realistic bodysuit on a birthday card, nothing else!

We promise.

Mean Girl Birthday available at Indie Indie Bang! Bang! - This card’s about as fetch as it gets.

Your Gift available at Steel Petal Press - If you're on a budget or just don't want to put forth the effort to find the "perfect" birthday gift, this card is for you.

Bonus: It manages the recipient’s future expectations of you.

"Me giving you this card knowing there's no money inside."

No Money - This Leonardo DiCaprio meme-inspired card guarantees a good laugh. You might even get an Oscar... for most cringe worthy.

"We're related to some pretty embarrassing people."

Funky Family - This birthday card has a goofy sense of humor. Inside is the punchline, "Thank you for not being one of them."

An ideal pick to give to your favorite, semi-normal relative.

"Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

Birthdays Were Invented - Ron Swanson may be right about this, but it's a great way to spread some love. This birthday card bears Ron Swanson's signature sarcastic humor — a bonus for Parks and Recreation fans.

If you're looking for more over-the-top shenanigans, head to our Wildly Inappropriate Birthday Cards posts for more savagery.

12 Perky and Inappropriate Mother’s Day Cards

Your mother is the first person you get close to. Often, a bond between a mother and her child is unbreakable.

Here we have 12 perky and inappropriate Mother's Day cards that are sure to make her day.

"You're going to be a grandmother! Just kidding, but I will need like fifty bucks."

Pregnancy Prank - A quirky card that could give your mom a heart attack at first glance. The follow-up line makes it even better.

Little Crap available at Carrie Lynn’s - Some mothers boast seemingly endless patience and grace. Others… not so much.

Either way, this is the perfect card for any mom with an irreverent sense of humor. Or quite possibly for any mom without an irreverent sense of humor ;)

Mom the BB available at Petite Salon - Sometimes you’ve just gotta acknowledge that greatness, you know?

Moms Are Resilient available at Lauda - S**t yeah they are! They kind of have to be to put up with us for all of these years, right?

Mom Spa Day available at Drift and Amble - Being a mother isn’t easy. Even taking an uninterrupted shower can be impossible.

This card reminds mom that she deserves as much time as she needs to herself on her special day

So Glad We Can Be Friends available at Hamilton & Adams - She can’t be too mad. She probably said the same thing to her mother growing up!

🎵 “It’s the cirrrrcllleee oof liiiiiiiiife…” 🎵

Sorry, Mom available at Zakka Joy - We all had that "we hate grown-ups" phase during our teenage years, which unfortunately sometimes included our mothers. A card apologizing for that phase is perfect for sending your mom on Mother's Day.


Card Design by Near Modern Disaster

Years Ago available at Gus and Ruby - As cliche as it sounds, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your parents'... “coming together”. It's time to give credit where credit’s due. Send your mom this card to thank her for letting you experience life.

"Happy Mother's day to someone who did a great job raising her children... and her husband."

Great Job - Moms always have a lot on their plate and yet they find time to look after their family. Imagine the look on your dad's face when he sees this card.

"You're really good at keeping things alive. Like me! Happy Mother's day!"

Keeping Me Alive - A mother is a nurturer. This card pokes lighthearted fun at your mom's skill at keeping things alive. The beautiful design is printed on a vintage printing press.

"Mom, I'm really glad you're normal."

Normal - Ever had those times when you feel embarrassed of your mom... usually because she smothers you with love in front of your friends? Then again, that's pretty normal for moms.

"Mom, thanks for being proud of my mediocre achievements."

Thanks for Being Proud - A comical card for your number one supporter since day one. For the mom who supports you, no matter how average your performance is (right, dad? 😅).

6 Cheerfully Inappropriate Father’s Day Cards

Fathers are often providers and protectors. We've collected 6 cheerfully inappropriate Father's Day cards for your good-humored dad.

"People who laugh at dad's joke."

Dad Joke Pie Chart - Dad jokes are often obvious and predictable puns. We don't laugh at the jokes because of the wit, we laugh because they think it's funny.

Sexy MF Card from Awakening Boutique - Did you think it was a Mother's Day card at first glance? Guess what, you're wrong! It’s a bit more… literal than that.

"Happy Father's day, please accept this card as a token of my poverty."

Token - Fathers are known for going the extra mile to provide the best for their kids, even if they're going through hard times. This silly card is great to show your dad you appreciate his sacrifices.

"Okay, fine dad, you were right about everything. This is the only time I'm going to admit it. You're awesome."

You Were Right Dad - Fathers often know the best for their kids. Sometimes we don't like admitting our dad is right, even if we know he is. This chirpy letterpress card is guaranteed to make him smile and boost his ego.

Take this card to another level by purchasing a picture frame he can use to preserve this moment forever.

Fatherhood: When Siri is the only one who takes you seriously."

Siri - A dad joke for the dad-joker. Some dads are just too goofy, or trying too hard not to be, that you just can't take them "siriously". This is a fun letterpress card to make your fun dad's day.

"Out of all the dads, you're the best."

Out of All of the Dads - They may be fictional characters, but hey, they're some of the best and unforgettable dad figures ever. If your dad tops them all, then he's legendary.

Thanks For Dropping By!

We hope you enjoyed our handpicked list of the 64 funniest inappropriate greeting cards available for all occasions. Only the best are included in this list, and we're sure that anyone with a good sense of humor will appreciate them.

We hope you found the right one for your loved one. If you purchase a card on this list, please let us know how they react when you give it to them!

If you have any suggestions for inappropriate greeting cards that you think would fit into this list perfectly, let us know in the comments section below.

Love you!

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