37 Darkest of the Dark Humor Greeting Cards: Best Picks of 2022

Since you made your way to this page, we're going to assume you have a great sense of humor. It also means that the person you intend to give this card to appreciates dark humor.

We've scoured the darkest corners of the internet to bring you 37 of the best dark humor greeting cards you'll find on the market. Our picks are all from independent card brands. These are the perfect greeting cards to give to special loved ones with a dark sense of humor.

Table of contents (click to jump):

9 Witty Dark Humor Greeting Cards

We've found several creative, universally-appealing dark humor greeting cards for you.

If you want to say (in the weirdest way possible) thank you, congratulations, or a simple "I'm thinking of you," you're in the right place.

"Thank you for giving a sh*t"

A Crappy Card - Not many people these days give a crap about each other. Inside reads "I appreciate you more than words (or red pandas handing each other poop) can say."

We hope you have tons of people in your life that do.

"Here's to all of our memories."

Burying the Lede - Inside reads, "The good, the bad, the happy, the sad. I'm just glad I made them with you," with a picture of the two hamsters from the cover burying a body.

A suitable pick to give to that one you share a dark secret with.

Trash Can available at My Other Child - Okay, maybe your recipient is actually rubbish but so what? They’re not completely worthless. Just like they say, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

"Congratu-f*cking-lations"

Colorful Congrats - Simple congratulations are just so common that they don't seem sincere most of the time. Give it a little kick to show them you mean it. Inside reads "You did a thing!".

An excellent card to congratulate them for any life event worth celebrating.

Surprised You’re Still Here from Digs - Ah... 60! The age of doctors' appointments, hip pains, and of course, the imminent arrival of the grim. Not everyone would find this card entertaining, but any friend who shares your humor is in for a good laugh.

"Welcome to your new shitty roommate."

Can We Keep It? - A good card to give to those with a newborn. The line, "Cherish all the memories along the way," is written on the inside with a photo collage of a growing up joey (baby kangaroo). 

"The worst is yet to come!"

The Worst is Yet to Come! - If they think life is hard now, here's some news for them: The worst is yet to come! Enjoy the "good times" while they last.

"thinking of you..."

Voodoo Doll - Let them know that you're thinking of them... but in what way? The fun part is leaving it up to them to guess.

"Let's talk soon before this becomes our only means of communication."

Ouija Board - Been putting off that phone call or postponing hangouts? This greeting card is a helpful reminder that the last conversation you had with each other may be the last one E-V-E-R.

8 of the Darkest Humor Birthday Cards

Birthdays can be one of the darkest occasions ever. Unless you're talking to Benjamin Button, who enjoys aging?

Of course, birthdays can be fun, and here are some birthday cards that can make the day more enjoyable.

"One year closer."

Party Pooper - Haven't you ever wondered why we celebrate getting older? Aren't we all just a decaying mass of flesh that deteriorates every year?

"Congratulations you went another year without dying."

Want Some Cake? - Life's too short? More like death is too random. The inside reads, "Good luck surviving another one. Happy birthday," with a picture of the T-Rex from the cover squashed by the cake.

"Happy birthday."

A Gift - It says "I hope you get a lot of gifts" inside. Perfect for the ones who love cats and hate rats.

"Ur Not Dead"

Ur Not Dead - Well, that's definitely something to celebrate! This handmade birthday card is eco-friendly... just like your corpse will be in the future.

Party Hard by Paper Luxe - Another year older doesn't necessarily mean they're closer to using a walker.

Okay, maybe it does. Sending them this card reminds them to party hard while they still can.

"In dog years you're dead."

Dog Years - There's nothing darker than dead dog jokes. A perfect birthday card for your loved one with the sickest sense of humor.

Glad You’re not Unalive from River City - This is a pretty straight-up card. If someone's birthday is coming up, send them this card to let them know you're glad they made it another year (although it's a bit surprising).

Tell them to keep it up so you can send the same card next year and every year thereafter.

"Have a killer birthday."

Killer Birthday - This card has that childish-psycho-killer-vibe. Wish them a killer birthday with this playful card. Hope y'all make it home alive!

Check out our Inappropriate Birthday Cards compilation for even more hilarious choices.

7 to Die for Dark Humor Valentine’s Day Cards

If you know your partner well, then you know their humor. What better day to celebrate it than Valentine's Day, and what better way to show it than a dark humor greeting card?

"I don't clean, but if I did..."

Leather & Lace - The appropriate card for your lover who loves to have fun in the bedroom. Inside is the punchline, "I'd leave your dirty mind unwashed," with the mouse from the cover hanging sexy leather & lace undergarments on a clothing line.

"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."

Thoughts and Prayers - You probably heard of the cannibalism that happens after praying mantis mate. Inside reads "Till death do you part" along with a female praying mantis laying on a bed with the male's leg.

"I love you to death."

I love you to death - Have you ever loved someone so much that you just wanted to smother them? With affection, of course!

"If I could turn back time."

Cher a Little More - This Cher inspired card has the punchline "I would, you look terrible" written inside. A funny card to say "Hey, you've seen better days."

"My heart on a platter."

My Heart on a Platter - There's that saying where you "serve your heart on a platter" means baring all your feelings for your lover. Aren't you glad we don't live in a world where everything is literal?

"I love you almost as much as zombies love *brains*"

Zombie Love - Zombies literally kill for brains. This means you love him / her almost enough to kill for them.

Or maybe zombies are sapiosexual?

"The only way you could light up my life even more would be if I made a lampshade out of your skin."

Lampshade - A handmade Ed-Gein-themed Valentine's card. A great greeting card for your partner with a sick sense of humor. Perfect for horror and crime story lovers.

5 Clever Dark Humor Christmas Cards

Christmas is a season to give love, but depending on your perspective, it's also pretty dark and weird. I mean, there's a bearded man in red, who apparently doesn't exist, who knows when all the kids are asleep, and that's when he breaks into their houses?

Doesn't that sound strange to you?

Here are 5 clever dark humor Christmas cards to spread the Christmas fear... I mean cheer!

"I'm sorry Timmy. Now I'll have to kill you."

I'm Sorry Timmy - He knows when you're asleep, and that's the only time he comes. No wonder no one's ever seen Santa.

Did you ever wonder what happens if he gets sloppy and you accidentally walk in on him?

"Santa doesn't believe in you either."

Santa Doesn't Believe in You Either - Just because you don't believe in Santa doesn't mean he's not real. And if he is real... maybe he doesn't believe in you either?

"When I was a kid, my parents told me I didn't exist."
Santa Therapy - Were you ever told as a kid that Santa doesn't exist? Just imagine Santa being told by his parents that he wasn't real. Existential much?
"Times are tough, times are hard, here's your f***ing Christmas card."

Times Are Rough, Times Are Hard - Times are really rough this year. And here's a bonus, it rhymes! Let's just hope they got a better looking tree.

"Merry Christmas baby! I got a present for you in the back of my car. - Santa Ted Bundy."

Killer Christmas - A Ted Bundy themed card. Christmas can't get any darker than with this guy. Wish them a merry serial killer Christmas with this great pick.

4 Comical Dark Humor Father’s Day Cards

No dad jokes here, only jokes for dad.

We're sure your father had fun poking jokes at you throughout your life. We've assembled a collection of comical dark humor Father's day cards to get him back.

"Happy father's day! Hip hip replacement!"

Replacement - A magnificent-looking "broadway lights" themed card. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a hip bone.

"Thanks for not pulling out."

Bunny Rabbit - You owe your entire existence to this one act. What would you be now if he pulled out? You simply wouldn't.

"Happy father's day, mother f***er

Mother F***er - Literally... That's how you were made. Just... try not to think of it. Sorry if this planted unwanted imagery in your mind.

"Happy father's day! Hope it's not too sh*t!"

Hope It's Not Sh*t! - An ideal gift for a dark-humored father... or if you forgot to get him a present. Let's wish him a good one.

4 Hilarious Dark Humor Mother’s Day Cards

There's no love like the love of a mother for her child.

Show her she raised you well enough to have an outstanding sense of humor. Make her proud with these dark humor Mother's day cards.

"I got you this card instead of grandkids. Happy mother's day!"

Pregnancy Prank - Who can afford to have kids these days, anyway? Best given to the mother who keeps bugging you for grandkids.

"I choose my mother's day cards like I choose my nursing homes, low cost and in a hurry."

Nursing Homes - A suitable mother's day card for the number one lady in your life with a good sense of humor. Cheap and quick doesn't necessarily mean low quality.

"Mom, thanks for teaching me how to use a tampon."

Thanks Mom - Mothers will always take care of their kids, no matter how embarrassing it may be.

Blood is thicker than water, after all.

"Mom, thanks to you I know all of the possible ways I could get murdered."

All of the Possible Ways - Do you have an overprotective and paranoid mother? She's always thinking of the worst that could happen to you in any situation. It's with the best intentions, of course.

Dark Humor Jokes for Inside the Card

Wondering what to write inside your dark humor card? Looking for dark humor jokes that'll make them snarf? We've got you covered! Grab and personalize any of these lines or use them for inspiration.

  • People always find it funny when they tease each other at weddings saying "You're next!". I don't understand why no one found it funny when I did the same thing at funerals.
  • It's strange that lovers carve their names on a tree. Like why are they bringing a knife out on a date?
  • Dark humor jokes are like trickle-down economics: 99% of people won't get it.
  • I have a Caesar salad recipe for you: Make a salad and stab it 23 times.
  • I overheard people in a restaurant talking about how they hate vegetables. I shouted at them, "Hey! What did the severely impaired ever do to you people?!"
  • Grandpa told me one of his war stories about how he lost his buddy in a minefield. I asked him where his buddy went. Grandpa replied, "Everywhere."
  • I was feeling nostalgic one day and visited the house where I grew up as a kid. I asked the couple who lives there if I could come in. They said no and shut the door on me. My parents can be such a**holes.
  • Our son asked me at the school science fair how stars die. I told him they usually overdose on drugs.

Hope You Enjoyed Our List!

Thanks for browsing! If you found the right card for your loved one, please consider coming back and dropping a comment on how it was received. We really appreciate hearing from our readers.

Check out our Sweet and Humorous Friendship Cards post if you also need greeting cards for friends who are more... tame.

Love you!

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